My friend Deborah called maybe two days ago. She was concerned about chemical cocktails, i.e, how each drug was mixing with the other. I expressed my concern to Mom and Beck. Mom talked to Steph. They went through the prescriptions and found one for the shakes that epileptic patients use that often has a side effect of screwing with the patient’s mind, making it difficult to follow a thought. Since then Dad has been better. He’s been in the pit of despair but at least he makes sense.
The ministers of my parents’ church, Bart, Jan and Herb came to visit. Their insights were useful. I don’t think that Dad can get much from his family right now except their love. People whose work in the world it is to council people who are ailing are going to be far more effective. Plus they know my Dad, they know who he’s been and what he has been capable of. While he is still deeply upset, he’s begun to have other experiences:
His Words: Something is going on in me and I don’t want to disrupt it. Can you get me a pen and paper? Its so transforming, I can’t understand what is happening here. If I could jot down some verbs and nouns and say them I’ll fill in dots and say them because I couldn’t possibly write the pros. Its to earthshaking to capture and its been going on since this morning and I’m terribly sorry for disrupting this but it would be a shaking of earth that would give me peace and a quiet that I’ve never known and I’m aware that I really need food. You could help me the most if you could help me write some stuff. It would help. Some kind of a shape for me. Transforming from what I thought I could describe that is a world that would pretty well describe as reality, but the reality is real. A substance that has been labeled in gigantic terms that I could scarcely walk. I try to put in simple words and I am being transformation in some way and what I thought was real is unreal and what I thought was… the pathway to follow isn’t the pathway to follow at all and I’ll try to put in the first person singular.
But your presence’s in a very immediate sense, stirred up sands on the beach that I thought were eternal, sands that I thought were as far as the earth itself. They were only sands and illusion covered over but was real. Underneath the sands were a huge vacuum where nothing really had appeared. In the vacuum is a huge question mark about what it all means and he who would ask the questions about what it all means would feel himself in a space and its pure space and it would ask the question of space what does it mean, the space would open up and it would get bigger and bigger and bigger and the space showed me that I was having to give up the notion of permanence and structure and make allowance for the fact that something could come into that space and make itself known to me. And it was enormous power and it flooded into me and it picked me up and all I thought was real lifted me right up off the ground and out of it came the most incredible powerlessness as though I was all wrong about there every being gravity. I was all wrong about every being held down. I was floating and being held somehow. And the weightlessness got lighter and quieter and I became so peaceful. My God. So peaceful. So peacefully and I could float just like a cloud and quiet but it wasn’t being done to me. I wasn’t creating it. And I said to Herb, Herb I thank you for coming and Jan I thank you for coming. You have started a transformation in me. I think that something was coming from them but I wasn’t seeking it. So I just remain open to what was there. All the space was transforming me. It was all light. And I think its because they were repeating which they have so often repeated “The peace from which you’ve never experienced.”
All thought about weight and holding on and scraping your hands on the balcony was an illusion. Can the world move that much? And I would close that by saying I’m being transformed in ways I’ve never dreamed of. And I can not return to the same light. I can not return. And all of it I didn’t know, that is all I can say. And so when I say I love you, Jan, I love you Herb, some new element has been introduced. I am expect nothing of them nor they of me. Silly little ritual that they go through is merely an attempt in ages past for people to capture but I’m sure that’s only the beginning of it. Something new has been added.
Jennifer’s remark that I have a story to tell because I’m unraveling and I can talk to you about who won the baseball game, but there is something going on in me that I’ve never felt before but it has something to do with that I’ve got all this backward. Jenn and I were talking about living in my mind, caught in a swirl of words and concepts like seaweed, let me to believe the knowledge and memories I have were half conclusions that held me in place. Have to do with exploring verbs and nouns and active voices because something is trying to tell me something about and I have to be open. I just have to let that happen. Jenn was talking about green grass breaking through cracks in the pavement as though something is here that others must have celebrated for years. People in earlier days that people built higher and higher cathedrals because they believed the heart of glory of it all and that’s because they built them so high because that’s the way they’re supposed to go. They were looking at soaring. A musical chorus the thing the organist hears when he is playing and we’re down there and we have got it all wrong. We look at all this but we have lost it all and we look at things as though they are piles of rock. We should be looking at the present. So the earth is being transformed. I am in the process of transforming. I’m part of something that is blown right open.
I am part of space and time just let it drift and be a part of whatever it is an not hold onto it. So my song, “Listen the Wind?” Can there be such this as the wind Can there be such a time that people were so lifted that they built the cathedrals? I don’t know. Its like I’m living in the wrong time. That’s all I want to say. Notice to turn so aptly describes the term we don’t’ know. We really don’t know. I fix myself to this notion, one team says lets go for this. I’ll give you eight weeks, I’ll give you two weeks. Maybe it can along longer. I’m floating.